Sexpollen' Got Nothing On This
by sentbyfools
Summary: It's Hank's fault. It's always Hank's fault except when it's Sean's, Angel's, Raven's, Erik's, Charles', Alex', or Darwin's fault, and it is their fault. Part 4 in the Constant Vigilance series


**title: **sex-pollen's got nothing on this

**summary:** It's Hank's fault. It's always Hank's fault except when it's Sean's, Angel's, Raven's, Erik's, Charles', Alex', or Darwin's fault, and it is their fault.

**a/n: **It was time to pick on someone else besides Sean. This is set in between "Needs More Pot" and "Constant Vigilance." For a prompt on the kinkmeme.

* * *

><p>Somehow, everything always seems to be Hank's fault.<p>

It's not that everything he works on results in "unfortunate circumstances," it's just that everyone's always coming in to his lab and messing with things they know nothing about.

It's not just Sean, although he does it often enough, looking for something or another, or Alex, who enjoys messing with Hank's things for reasons unknown to Hank (Hank suspects he's just a giant bully), or Darwin looking for interesting things to adapt to.

It's Raven, too, touching things as she makes him forget all the words he wants to say with her easy smile and easy words, and it's also Angel, though he's never had any tangible proof, just the faint smell of her perfume lingering around his labs.

And it's Charles, though at least he has the decency to tell Hank when he's been in there looking around. Erik tells him as well, but it's always in a roundabout way, and always accompanied by some sort of insult.

His lab is pretty much the playground for everyone in the house, so it stands to reason that there's always something going around. Usually, it's something innocuous: an itchy rash in areas best left unseen, seeing things in sepia tones.

This time, it's not.

The first clue that something's wrong: Hank wakes up, and he's blind.

Not exactly blind, more legally blind, seeing everything in blurs of shapes and colours. And his smell's off too, like his nose is stuffed up. As is his hearing, and his sense of touch. In fact, all of his senses are off, and _something terrible has happened._

He tries to navigate his way out of his room, using his sense of touch to help him, but of course, he can barely feel anything so he trips twice just trying to get out the door. Out in the hallway, he just stands still for a moment, trying to process his surroundings.

He tries to remember where everything is. Raven's room is the closest to his, so he places his hands along the wall, sliding them across it as he takes slow tentative steps. When he finally feels something different, he stops, and then knocks furiously at her door.

He can't tell how hard he knocks, but the force with which Raven opens the door is a good indicator that it's harder than it should be. He can hear a sort of buzzing in his ear, recognizes that she's probably speaking to him, but the words are unintelligible.

"Uh, hi, I have no senses," he tries to say, but Raven puts her hand on his shoulder and what comes out instead is, "Whoa, my senses are back. And my skin is blue."

Raven gives him a horrified look and says, hesitantly, "Hank, why did you just turn in to me?"

He opens his mouth. Closes it, opens it again. Finally, he just shrugs, and says, "I have no idea."

Her hand is still on him, and an idea occurs to him. He pulls her hand off of him, and suddenly he's without senses again.

The blur that is Raven moves farther away, and then moves closer. Then her hand is on him again, and he's back to being Raven.

"Ok, Raven, this is, well, going to sound strange." He pauses, gives her a pained look because things are already really strange ─ he is Raven after all.

"I'm going to need you to ─" He pauses again, runs his hand through his hair, "to touch me until we figure out what's going on. Because I can't see, hear, smell ─ sense anything really in my natural form."

She handles it better than he expects it, just flips her blonde hair, and says, "Ok. Hold my hand, it'll be easier."

Hank's glad he's Raven at the moment, because the flush that he feels at her words isn't visible on her skin. He grabs her hand, hoping fervently that Raven isn't prone to sweating either, and together they leave her room.

Alex's room is the next one they get to and before they have a chance to knock on his door, it opens. His room is shrouded in so much darkness that it feels like what looking into a black hole would probably be like. It's freezing too; the winter months aren't kind to Westchester so the heaters are always on, full blast.

"Alex," Raven calls out, and then Alex is there, as if he teleported himself.

"Why are there two of you?" Alex says, looking between Hank and Raven like they're some kind of two-headed monster.

"It's me, Hank," Hank says, feeling a little stupid for how nervous his voice sounds.

Alex gives them another confused look, says, "I think I sucked all the light and heat out of my room."

Raven doesn't say a thing, just grabs Alex's arm. Just like with Hank, he turns into her, and when she releases him, he turns back into Alex.

"What the fuck?" Alex says, and Hank concedes that he has a point.

"We should go find Charles," Raven suggests, though it's less of a suggestion, more of a demand.

Neither Hank nor Alex argue.

* * *

><p>Being Raven is strange for three reasons.<p>

1. Hank is so used to being Hank that not being able to sense everything ─ _feel the shape and texture of an object without even touching it, smell the essence of it, almost taste the pieces that make it up_. Not being able to _sense_ is more than strange, it's like he's lost an essential part of himself which brings him to point

2. The loss of his manhood is sort of nerve-wracking. Beyond nerve-wracking, and it's only the logical part of his brain reminding him that all he has to do is let go of Raven's hand to get it back that keeps him from tearing out his lovely red locks.

3. It's weird knowing what your girlfriend's (friend who flirts with you? girl he likes, and is fairly certain likes him?) boobs feel like when you've never actually touched them.

As he and Alex accompany Raven down the hall, he has to resist the urge to actually do so. It's more of a curiosity than anything. They're softer, yet heavier than he'd thought they'd be. It's more than a little uncomfortable walking around in his pajamas and Raven's body. '_I wish I had a bra'_, he thinks and then makes a noise, slightly horrorstruck by the thought.

"Are you okay?" Alex asks, but he's not looking at Hank, he's looking at Raven's, _his_, chest. It's sincerely unnerving and slightly angering, and Hank makes another noise.

That's the moment when Raven stops, and Hank's first, guilty thought is '_She knows'_ but then she's knocking on a door, _Angel's_, and he lets loose a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

There is the sound of a crash, and then thumping like heavy footsteps. They stop, and slowly the door opens, but it's just a crack.

"Fix this, whatever it is, and come back when you do," Angel says through the crack, but her voice seems off, deeper.

"Angel, what changes have you experienced?" Hank asks, but Angel's already slammed the door shut, and he doesn't press the subject. She can shoot fireballs out her mouth after all, and although he has a sneaking suspicion that for now that isn't the case, Hank isn't willing to test that theory until he's collected more data.

"So, we should just move on, see her later, right?" Alex says, and Hank nods in agreement. It's weird, agreeing with Alex so often in one day.

Raven pulls Hank down the hall, and they reach the end of the wing. They step out onto the landing, and Raven stops, gives him a look.

"So, should we check on everyone else or go straight to finding Charles?"

Hank shrugs. "We're already on this floor. It'd be best to see how Sean and Darwin are. They might be hurt or worse."

"Or worse?" Alex says, eyeing Hank skeptically.

"I have a theory," Hank says.

"Oh, and what's your theory, bozo?" Alex shoots at him, and Hank likes this (well not really likes, but its familiar) and Hank prefers Alex being rude to him staring at Hank's Raven boobs.

"Charles might not be the person we want to see at the moment. I think our powers are manifesting in reverse, that they've become the complete opposites of what normally are. Right now, in my normal body, my senses are so bad I'm almost helpless. You're sucking the light out and heat out of every heater and light you pass, and Raven can turn anyone into herself."

"Oh," Alex says, surprised.

Raven just nods and says, "Suspected as much."

They continue across the landing then and enter the other wing where Darwin and Sean's rooms are. Hank can already tell something's wrong when he enters. The wing is completely silent, not even background noise. It's so unnerving, he gasps aloud, and then realizes that he hasn't made a sound.

"Raven, Alex," he says, but still no sound.

Surprisingly, Alex is the first one of them to catch on, and he moves past them down the hall, and pushes open Sean's door. Raven and Hank follow him into the room where he's sitting on the bed next to Sean who's mouth is open ─ _he's screaming_, Hank realizes after a moment.

Hank takes a step forward not sure what to do, nearly losing his grip on Raven's hand.

He watches as Alex grabs Sean's shoulders and shakes him hard. Sean's mouth closes and he stares at Alex.

"I am fucking deaf. Let me scream. Why are there two Raven's?" Hank reads off of Sean's lips.

Alex shakes his head in response, says, "You're fucking retarded. You're not deaf, stupid. Whenever you speak you take the sound out of the room. And the one wearing stupid pajamas is Hank."

Sean looks between Hank and Raven and closes his mouth. Sure enough after a few seconds, the noise filters back into the room.

Hank can't stop himself from saying, "I didn't know you were smart."

Raven muffles a snort with a cough while Alex turns to glare at him, and says, "Fuck you."

Hank doesn't know what to say, and he's saved from deciding by the sound leaving the room when Sean decides to speak again.

Alex's hand covers Sean's mouth, and the sound returns.

"Stop trying to speak. Have you seen Armando?" Alex asks, and Hank wonders if the faint tinge of worry in his voice is his imagination.

Sean shakes his head no because Alex's hand is still covering his mouth.

Alex removes his hand, says, "Don't speak."

Sean makes a 'whatever man' gesture with his shoulders, and follows Alex out the room.

They find Darwin at the door of his room, covered in cuts and bruises, and clutching his ankle.

"So, it's not only me," Darwin says with a hint of pain in his voice. Alex helps him to stand, and he leans on Alex for support.

"I'm Hank," Hank says, "And yeah, our powers have flipped."

Sean jumps forward, waving around a notebook that Hank didn't notice he picked up.

The words written on the page are hard to decipher, but Sean is smiling brightly, so Hank's positive that his first assumption is right: "TODAY IS OPPOSITE DAY."

"Thanks for the brilliance, Sean," Alex says with sarcasm. Sean crosses his arms across his chest, pouting, and mouths the words, _You're an asshole._

Hank agrees, but he wisely doesn't say anything because Alex is now giving him a look like he's about to murder him.

"This is totally your fault, bozo," Alex accuses, and Hank winces because in the back of his mind, he was beginning to suspect that maybe that power inhibitor he'd been fiddling with might have side effects akin to this.

"No," he says, but the words sound like a lie to his own ears.

"It's not Hank's fault. One of you probably touched something in his lab again," Raven says, and Hank is forever grateful that she likes him.

No one says a word, and they all look away from him and Hank starts to get a little angry himself.

"I don't understand why you guys can't stay out of my lab," Hank says, but it's useless getting angry because even after this is over, they're going to do it again. They always do. Perhaps he needs to start investing time in better locks.

"Let's just...get Erik and Charles," Hank says grudgingly. There's a murmur of agreement so he tugs on Raven's hand and pulls her back out the door.

Darwin trips once, twice, three times before its decided that he should just stay where he is. Alex opts to stay with him, so it's just Sean, Raven, and Hank that go to look for Charles and Erik.

When they find Charles, Hank really wishes they hadn't.

"There are two Ravens. Am I still drunk, possibly, I always drink too much when I'm playing chess with Erik, it's a nice distraction from wanting to tear off his turtleneck with my teeth, I can do so many things with my teeth, and with my mouth, everyone loves my mouth ─"

"Oh God, Charles, stop speaking now. Now, now, now," Raven says, voicing what Hank is thinking, because the visions, _the visions_ he did not need them. And now he can't help staring at Charles mouth.

"I can't, "Charles says, which is followed by, "I really wish I could, this is embarrassing, like that time during lower sixth, don't think about that time, don't think about drinking until I passed out and then woke up and realized I convinced everyone that Terry Bishop was a transvestite with really good hair, shit, stop thinking, Erik has really nice hair, so does Alex but it's weird to think of Alex and Erik because I don't want to fuck Alex that's gross he's like my son, and Erik is definitely not my son, not a kid, does not have kid hands that would be great for ─ stop it, stop thinking, stop thinking, I need a drink, whiskey or vodka, vodka, I really like vodka, the kids are giving me strange looks, mind wiping them would be wrong, done it before though ─"

_Sean, you are a God_, Hanks want to yell when the room bursts into utter silence, and he looks over to see Sean covering his ears with his hands, mouth hanging open as he screams.

For a moment, Hank has no idea what he should do. He stares at Charles, who is still speaking, a confused look on his face, and Hank finally notices how tight Raven's grip is on him. His fingers are starting to lose sensation so he wiggles them in her hand until she lessens her grip. She smiles at him, and Hank finally understands "the smile doesn't quite reach her eyes" because all her eyes are telling him is "flee, flee, anywhere but here" and Hank can't say that he doesn't feel the same.

The noise filters back into the room, and Hank snaps his head to look at Sean who is breathing deeply. When Charles voice starts to sound again, a low buzzing that leaves Hank feeling chills and the urge to run, Sean starts screaming again.

Hank uses the silence to gather himself, and then signals to Sean to follow him and Raven out the room. When the door is closed behind him, Sean stops screaming and stands, pressed against the door, as if that will keep Charles' ..._words_ locked inside.

"So, Charles is going to be useless to us," Hank says, for lack of anything else to say. There is the sound of furious scribbling in response, and then Sean is pressing his notepad into Raven's hands.

_YOU DIDN'T WARN US. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR BROTHER HOW COULD YOU NOT FUCKING WARN US. I AM TOO SOBER FOR THIS._

Hank wishes he could say that the words don't amuse him, but the high-pitched snort he lets out is two parts "this is hilarious", one part hysterical. Raven grips his hand rhythmically in time with her own laughter, and Sean just glares at them, pouting in a way that almost makes Hank feel bad.

Almost, but then he remembers Sean saying that "Charles will, of course, know what to do," and he doesn't feel bad at all.

"What...maybe, Erik, Erik will be able to help?" Hank says but the suggestion is weak. At this point, he doesn't think finding Erik will help them at all, but he needs to see Erik just to make sure his theory is correct before he starts working on a cure.

"I sincerely doubt Erik will be able to help, but what the hell? What have we got to lose?" Raven says.

Hank and Sean both wince in unison. Sean starts frantically scribbling on his notepad. He shoves the notepad into Raven's face.

THAT IS WHAT THE TEENAGERS ALWAYS SAY BEFORE THEY ARE MURDERED BY THE MAN IN THE HOCKEY MASK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Hank's not really a fan of horror movies; he's never really had time to watch any movies, too busy studying and reading, but he knows this trope, and Raven has just guaranteed that this is not going to end well.

"Let's just go," Raven says, giving them an apologetic look.

* * *

><p>They find Erik sitting on the edge of his bed, staring curiously at a plastic cup in his hand. Hank starts to ask him about the changes he's experienced, but Erik speaks first.<p>

"One of your attempts to suppress mutations, I suppose," Erik says, and somehow he manages to imbue every words with palpable derision. Hank's not sure what Erik has against him, but he's already tired and the day has barely even begun, and he really doesn't have time to be hurt by Erik's words.

"What can you do?" Hank says sharply, and Erik looks up from his intense study of the cup in his hand and smiles at Hank slightly. Hank's not quite terrified, but nor is he relieved by the look in Erik's eyes. It's not a nice look.

Hank would almost mistake it for pride.

Erik responds by curling his fingers inward, the cup following that motion, curling into a ball in Erik's hand.

Hank clears his throat, and says, "So my theory was correct. Our powers are manifesting themselves in reverse. This is good."

The room goes eerily silent for a moment, and Erik gives Hank a look like he's to blame. Hank in turn glares at Sean who closes his mouth abruptly. He shrugs his shoulders in apology, and Hank sighs, waiting as Sean puts sharpie to paper.

HOW IS THIS GOOD? Sean's paper reads.

"This is good because it means I can fix it," Hank says, and it's the truth. Now that he knows for certain what's changed, he just has to find the exact failed serum that caused this and create an antidote. If he's not bothered it'll take about an hour.

Hank's going to estimate the actual time it'll take to make it as four hours. And Raven will have to hold his hand the whole time.

"Raven," he starts to say, plaintive, but she cuts him off, says, "No worries. I want this fixed as much as you."

"Where's Charles?" Erik asks.

Hank, Sean, and Raven all share a look. Raven raises a brow that says, "Should we tell him?" Hank rolls his eyes in a reply that reads, "We might as well. He'll go looking for him anyway. They're really codependent like that." Sean slights his head and furrows his brow, his expression saying, "Does he even know about the whole Charles wanting to screw him into the ground thing?"

They all share a look at that. _Of course he does, Charles isn't very subtle._

"He's in his study. I'd give you a warning that you probably don't wanna see him right now, but why would you heed it?"

Erik nods, standing up and walking towards the door. He's almost left his bedroom when Hank says, "Hey, how'd you know it was me?"

His shirt tugs to the side hard enough that Hank has to squeeze Raven's hand in order to keep from falling.

"Obviously, Raven would never wear those pajamas," Erik says, his tone mocking.

Hank knows he's pouting, and Raven's, "He's right. I really wouldn't," isn't helping the matter at all.

* * *

><p>"You're sweating," Raven says. It's been an hour since he's started working on the antidote, and he's exhausted already.<p>

Erik came by about twenty minutes into his work. He'd glared at Hank until Hank's tolerance reached zero and he yelled, "We told you that going to see Charles wasn't a good idea. It's not my fault you refused to take my advice."

Erik had stormed out in response and Hank counted it as a plus. It was one less person to worry about bothering him. When Raven leaned over his work table, hand still wrapped around his arm and whispered in his ear, "I'm proud of you," well, Hank counted that as another plus.

Alex arrived not five minutes later and hovered around the lab, fretting in a way quite unlike his usual demeanor. Raven finally asked, "Are you and Darwin hooking up?" and Alex had given her a look like it wasn't obvious to everyone.

It hadn't been obvious to Hank really, but he's not going to tell anyone else that.

"I'll be done soon as long as you stop bothering me," Hank said, too piteous of Alex's obvious worry to place any of the annoyance he felt in his tone. "And tell Sean that if he comes into my lab again I will burn his Harry Potter's."

Hank didn't really mean it, the idea of burning books making him hurt inside, but it did the trick. Sean hasn't bothered him yet.

But still, Hank's exhausted. It's taking him much longer than expected to make the antidote. Raven's proximity is making him feel off because he looks like her, and it's weird to be attracted to someone that looks like you; it indicates a whole mess of psychological issues, though he supposes he can be forgiven in these circumstances.

"I'm sorry for sweating. It's just," and this is the hardest thing Hank's done all day, listening to Charles talk about the things he can do with his mouth included. "It's just I'm really attracted to you, and it makes me nervous, and when I'm nervous I sweat."

"Does the fact that I still want to make out with you even though you look like me mean I'm messed up?"

Hank's mouth tries to say, "No, this is a pretty messed up situation," "You want to make out with me?" and "I've realized that my brain processes are much slower than usual so this process may take longer than expected," at the same time and what comes out is a garbled mess not akin to any language.

"I'll take that as ringing endorsement," Raven says, and suddenly she's kissing him ─ _her?_ ─ and it's over before Hank can even attempt to engage.

"This is weird," she says, "You should get back to work before Erik murders us. Well, _you_, he likes me. It's probably because he doesn't think Charles might fall for me."

"What?"

"Erik's like that stereotypical jealous boyfriend, and Charles is the oblivious one who doesn't realize that when you and he have brain sex it makes Erik want to strangle you with your belt."

"What?" Hank repeats because his brain wouldn't even be able to process this on a normal day. "Brain sex? You've been spending too much time with Sean."

"Oh, I know," Raven says, her tone lamenting. Hank pats her on the shoulder and does the only thing he can do.

He gets back to work.

* * *

><p>It's three hours and 2 awkward and insane make out sessions with Raven later that he finishes the antidote. He tests it on himself first, and when he steps out of Raven's grasp, he thankfully returns to his normal self.<p>

"You are amazing," Raven says, and kisses him. Hank almost forgets that he's supposed to be administering the antidote because this is so much better than making out with Raven as Raven if only because it's not completely messed up. He gives it to Raven next and she grins at him when she doesn't turn him into her.

"We're not going to tell anyone, are we?" Hank says.

"Of course not," Raven agrees (and they never talk about it again because _weird)_.

"Charles?" she continues, and Hank nods. They tug along a mostly unwilling Sean because there's no way they're going into that without Sean's ability.

IS THIS ANTIDOTE GOING TO GIVE ME BOILS ON MY ASS? Sean asks after he realizes they're not going to let him out of this.

"You need to stop reading so much Harry Potter," Raven says, raising a brow to emphasize her point.

"Ready?" she asks when they reach Charles' study.

Both Hank and Sean shake their heads in the negative, but they go in anyway. Charles gives them an apologetic look, his mouth moving exhaustedly. Hank feels for him; as fast as the mind works, it must be tiring speaking all his thoughts aloud.

Sean holds up a sign that reads, HANK'S ANTIDOTE. TAKE IT, screaming all the while.

Charles does so without question, and when his mouth stops moving Sean stops screaming.

"Are you normal now?" Hank asks with trepidation. So far his antidote has shown positive results, but that doesn't mean it actually works. And the way his day is going, it would be Charles that it wouldn't work on.

"Yes, Hank, and it seems like your day is looking up," Charles says, at the same time saying in Hank's mind, _I can erase that memory if you want._

_I can repress,_ Hank says back because well, perhaps he's spending too much time with Sean as well because his first thought is _mind-fucking_, and that's not a phrase Hank would ever think up on his own.

Charles shakes his head at him, and Hank's only partially glad for Charles scruples. Half of him wishes Charles would just erase his memory anyway. He pushes the wish away, and says, "We're going to go get Erik now."

Charles presses his fingers to his head and says, "He's a minute away."

Erik does enter a minute later, and he stops in the doorway staring at Charles. Hank looks from Charles to Erik, and then at Raven. He does not want to be privy to _that_ conversation, and from the look on Raven's face neither does she.

"The antidote?" Erik asks, and then the room goes completely silent. Hank looks to Sean who's holding up a sign that reads, HELLO I WAS HERE FIRST.

The paper curls in Sean's hands and he drops it, staring in Erik's direction. Erik's grinning at Sean in a way that says Sean should stop complaining ─ _now_.

The noise returns to the room, and Hank hands over the antidote to Erik and one to Sean as well.

"Although this power has proven useful," Erik says, looking at Sean pointedly, "I'd much rather have my own back. Charles says it works so I'll take it."

Hank doesn't grumble about Erik not having confidence in Hank's abilities because Raven's voice is repeating _brain sex_ in his mind.

Erik and Sean both take a swig of their vials at the same time. Sean is the first one to test out his power, says, "I'm never going into your lab ever again."

"I sincerely doubt that," Hank replies, scoffing.

"Yeah, you're probably right. I need a drink. And some waffles."

Hank doesn't even try to stop him, though when he leaves, Raven whispers at him, "We should probably have an intervention of some kind."

Hank nods in agreement.

"You should probably go to Angel next. She's very distressed," Charles says, and Hank nods. He wants to get out of the room as soon as possible anyway because Charles and Erik are giving each other looks and even Hank isn't that oblivious.

"Let's go," Raven says, grabbing him by the hand. She doesn't let go when he leaves the room, and Hank thinks his day might not end terribly after all.

They reach Angel's room fairly quickly, and Hank knocks on the door.

"Hello? Angel? I have the antidote," he says. There's a thumping sound on the other side of the door and then it opens a crack.

"Just slide it through," she says, her voice strained like she's been crying. Hank's not going to mention that though because she might actually kill him, and honestly he'd like to live.

"Sean's making waffles by the way, and he's drinking," Raven says, "So they'll probably taste even better."

"Thanks," Angel says, the door opening wider. He looks into her room just before she shuts the door behind her. He's curious about what exactly her reverse power was to cause so much damage but again not enough to mention the disaster of her room.

"Oh my god," Raven says a moment later, making Hank jump, "Alex is probably freezing Darwin to death."

She grabs his hand and sprints down the hall. Angel doesn't follow, making her way down the stairs. Hank's craving pancakes now too, but administering the antidote is more important at the moment. Not exactly by much he's ashamed to admit. He hasn't eaten anything at all that day he's coming to realize. With his metabolism not eating is a terrible idea because when he gets hungry, he gets _really_ hungry.

They find Alex sulking in the room next to Darwin's, and Darwin covered in blankets, half-asleep in his bed. Hank gives the antidote to Alex to give to Darwin because Alex is glaring at him, and he's too hungry to deal with that.

"Breakfast?" he says, not waiting for a response as he heads towards the kitchen. There's an emphatic "Yes," behind him, and they go to kitchen together.

They all enter together, and to Hank's credit he doesn't go running towards the stack of waffles in the center of the table. He does stare at it in wonder though, but at least he isn't the only one.

"This is the best day ever," Alex says behind him, and Hank can't help but agree.


End file.
